How Not to Apply to Ad Agencies with Names that Sound Like an Actual Person

Aside from frequent rejection, the worst part of a job search is writing cover letters. It's a monotonous endeavor, and aside from providing an opportunity to shamelessly brag about yourself it's incredibly tiresome. To power through it I like to get weird enough to show the hiring manager that I don't just think outside the box, but actually have a court order requiring me to keep at least 500 feet from the box. 

Ad agencies respond best to this sort of novel approach, and today I sent one out to an agency called Drake Cooper, which sounds like a fictional person. So that's how I approached them. You can read my cover letter below. It should be noted I have yet to hear back from anyone at Drake Cooper so let me caution you that you should maybe not try this at home. 



Dear Drake Cooper,

This is a long shot, but are you the same Drake Cooper who attended Blakely Elementary School with me back in the day? Perhaps you remember me—Ryan Nickum—that short kid who could run away faster than any other kid in class, the one who you teased because his mom gave him bad haircuts, the one who still had velcro shoes in 4th grade because he couldn’t tie regular shoes? Does that ring a bell, Drake? 

In addition to eating your bologna and mustard sandwiches with your mouth open, I also remember you telling me that my writing “lacked creativity” and that my jokes were “no better than what’s found in a Laffy Taffy” and that Rachel “would never be my girlfriend.” Well you were right about Rachel, but wrong about the other two things. 

You see, Drake, even back then I was doing a lot more than just drinking my milk to ensure I grew up to be a big, strong content marketer and creative copywriter. I was busy writing weird blogs, inventing bizarre e-commerce sites (want to buy a custom nickname?), and creating unique content for Seattle-based companies like Estately and Tippr, as well as freelance copywriting for local ad agencies like Rupert and Hey.  

Maybe you saw my map of which states will survive a zombie apocalypse on one of the hundreds of sites and TV news programs that featured it? Maybe you read my article about the top cities for hippies, or the daily deal I wrote offering half off on sex toys at Babeland? Maybe you finally stopped picking your nose long enough to catch Chris Hardwick discuss my viral map of strange Google searches on @Midnight on Comedy Central?

So listen here Drake Cooper, I never forgot all the lousy things you did back at Blakely Elementary School. I don’t need any validation from you, but at the same time I would be very interested in any position with your company where I could use my creativity, unique writing style, and humor to bring glory and fame to your clients. I could definitely forgive your brutish behavior back in the day if you hired me.

Thanks for your consideration.


Ryan Nickum


Exciting update! Drake Cooper responded!